We grieve when we lose a loved one. But we also grieve when a loved one is facing a lifetime dealing with a serious, chronic illness. We also grieve in the aftermath of disaster and other traumas. Grief is a powerful emotion. It enables us to embrace our lives and our memories, and it enables us to move forward.
“We usually move forward through five stages, although stages often overlap,” says Glenda Morrissey, a psychologist and owner of Morrissey Rehabilitation and Treatment Counselling, which has offices in Halifax, Truro and Amherst.
“It is important to recognize those stages and understand them,” she adds.
The five stages of grief.
The five stages of grief, introduced in 1969 by the late psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, are:
- Denial. "No, not me, it can't be true." This is a typical reaction when a person faces a loss. This stage functions as a buffer after the unexpected or the overwhelming happens. It allows you to collect yourself and, in time, to find a way to cope.
- Anger. "Why me?" When the first stage of denial passes, it is likely to be replaced by anger, rage, envy and resentment. In this stage, people often compare themselves to others, especially those they feel who are luckier.
- Bargaining. Bargaining can be a positive way to deal with stress. Whether you bargain with God, with yourself or with your family, bargaining provides comfort for things you cannot control. It allows you to "frame" the crisis so you can manage it. Bargaining may help you cope with feelings of sadness without experiencing deep depression. Good bargaining skills allow people to see the bright side of even the most difficult situation.
- Depression. "There is no hope." A crisis entails loss, which is followed by sadness. If you are absorbed by the sadness, you can become depressed. Signs of depression include changes in usual eating or sleeping patterns, constant moodiness or irritability, lack of energy and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
- Acceptance. "It's all right now." Once the earlier stages have been completely worked through, you will finally be able to accept what has happened, and you may even be stronger than you were before the occurred.
Coping with grief and loss
We all grieve in our own way. Yet there are things we can do to help ease the pain. Glenda Morrissey, a psychologist and owner of Morrissey Rehabilitation and Treatment Counselling, which has offices in Halifax, Truro and Amherst, offers the following tips.
Hold on to a memory. It may help to carry something that reminds you of the person. This may be a piece of jewelry, a photo, or some other small memento.
Find sustenance for the soul. Your church, synagogue, mosque, or other faith community may offer services, resources, and support networks to help. You may want to look for a support group for people who are grieving and have suffered a similar loss. You may find comfort by connecting with other survivors through our online community, online peer support groups, or care groups.
Create a tribute. Light a candle, display a favorite photograph, or set a place at the dinner table to represent the missing loved one. Consider writing a letter to your loved one and about your special memories with that person.
Be gentle with yourself. Realize that familiar traditions, sights, smells, and even tastes, may be comforting, or may jolt your emotions. Be careful with your emotions and listen to yourself.
Let others know how you’re feeling. Friends and family want to help. Often they don’t know how. Let them know what helps you, and what doesn’t. Let them know what you would like them to do.
Don’t pretend you haven’t experienced a loss. Imagining that nothing has happened does not make the pain of losing a loved one go away. Even though memories may be painful, they can also be comforting. It is ok to talk with others about what you have lost, and what the person meant to you.
Keep busy. You don’t want to ignore your grief, but busy hands are often a relief. Getting out in the garden, washing the dog, knitting a scarf are all activities that you can do comfortably with little preparation.
Pay attention to your health. It’s often difficult for people who have experienced a recent loss to sleep. Make sure you get regular rest and drink lots of water. Do not over-indulge in sweets or alcohol. If you feel overwhelmed, talk with your medical care provider.
Allow yourself to laugh. Give yourself permission to feel joy as well as sadness. Don’t feel like you have to “be a certain way” because of your loss. Just be yourself.
Express your feelings. Bottling up your feelings may add to distress, not lessen it. To express your feelings, use your creativity to write a poem, talk with a supportive friend, create a painting, or pen a journal entry.
We grieve when we lose a loved one. But we also grieve when a loved one is facing a lifetime dealing with a serious, chronic illness. We also grieve in the aftermath of disaster and other traumas. Grief is a powerful emotion. It enables us to embrace our lives and our memories, and it enables us to move forward.
“We usually move forward through five stages, although stages often overlap,” says Glenda Morrissey, a psychologist and owner of Morrissey Rehabilitation and Treatment Counselling, which has offices in Halifax, Truro and Amherst.
“It is important to recognize those stages and understand them,” she adds.
The five stages of grief.
The five stages of grief, introduced in 1969 by the late psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, are:
- Denial. "No, not me, it can't be true." This is a typical reaction when a person faces a loss. This stage functions as a buffer after the unexpected or the overwhelming happens. It allows you to collect yourself and, in time, to find a way to cope.
- Anger. "Why me?" When the first stage of denial passes, it is likely to be replaced by anger, rage, envy and resentment. In this stage, people often compare themselves to others, especially those they feel who are luckier.
- Bargaining. Bargaining can be a positive way to deal with stress. Whether you bargain with God, with yourself or with your family, bargaining provides comfort for things you cannot control. It allows you to "frame" the crisis so you can manage it. Bargaining may help you cope with feelings of sadness without experiencing deep depression. Good bargaining skills allow people to see the bright side of even the most difficult situation.
- Depression. "There is no hope." A crisis entails loss, which is followed by sadness. If you are absorbed by the sadness, you can become depressed. Signs of depression include changes in usual eating or sleeping patterns, constant moodiness or irritability, lack of energy and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
- Acceptance. "It's all right now." Once the earlier stages have been completely worked through, you will finally be able to accept what has happened, and you may even be stronger than you were before the occurred.
Coping with grief and loss
We all grieve in our own way. Yet there are things we can do to help ease the pain. Glenda Morrissey, a psychologist and owner of Morrissey Rehabilitation and Treatment Counselling, which has offices in Halifax, Truro and Amherst, offers the following tips.
Hold on to a memory. It may help to carry something that reminds you of the person. This may be a piece of jewelry, a photo, or some other small memento.
Find sustenance for the soul. Your church, synagogue, mosque, or other faith community may offer services, resources, and support networks to help. You may want to look for a support group for people who are grieving and have suffered a similar loss. You may find comfort by connecting with other survivors through our online community, online peer support groups, or care groups.
Create a tribute. Light a candle, display a favorite photograph, or set a place at the dinner table to represent the missing loved one. Consider writing a letter to your loved one and about your special memories with that person.
Be gentle with yourself. Realize that familiar traditions, sights, smells, and even tastes, may be comforting, or may jolt your emotions. Be careful with your emotions and listen to yourself.
Let others know how you’re feeling. Friends and family want to help. Often they don’t know how. Let them know what helps you, and what doesn’t. Let them know what you would like them to do.
Don’t pretend you haven’t experienced a loss. Imagining that nothing has happened does not make the pain of losing a loved one go away. Even though memories may be painful, they can also be comforting. It is ok to talk with others about what you have lost, and what the person meant to you.
Keep busy. You don’t want to ignore your grief, but busy hands are often a relief. Getting out in the garden, washing the dog, knitting a scarf are all activities that you can do comfortably with little preparation.
Pay attention to your health. It’s often difficult for people who have experienced a recent loss to sleep. Make sure you get regular rest and drink lots of water. Do not over-indulge in sweets or alcohol. If you feel overwhelmed, talk with your medical care provider.
Allow yourself to laugh. Give yourself permission to feel joy as well as sadness. Don’t feel like you have to “be a certain way” because of your loss. Just be yourself.
Express your feelings. Bottling up your feelings may add to distress, not lessen it. To express your feelings, use your creativity to write a poem, talk with a supportive friend, create a painting, or pen a journal entry.